“I think of the way I became a Christian as very natural. My mum married a non-Christian man but was determined to raise her daughter as a Christian. So from a very young age she sent me to church. I was an only child at that time. So often I felt very lonely, but at church I learnt lots of things about the bible, like how God loved me and was always with me, I believed. I learnt to talk to God and would often tell him I was lonely. Sometimes I heard his quiet voice telling me he was with me. When I was in year 4, my mother got remarried and the step family did not like me. They treated me as a burden and blamed me for things I did not do. I kept asking God why this was happening but i couldn’t hear any answer from God. All the time I felt lonely. I was still immature in my faith. In year 10, I wanted to commit suicide. I took a lot of tablets and went to sleep, praying that the next time I opened my eyes I would see heaven. But when I opened my eyes in the morning, I was still in this hell. I wondered why God had not answered my prayer. So everyday I go church after school and prayed. Then God gave me a vision of something that had happened in year 4. I had forgotten about it. But God reminded me to show me where he was at that time. I was walking up and down my father’s street after my mum had left me there alone. Even though the sun was out. I was crying because I felt so abandoned and lonely. That time was my identity like I am trash. That was me. But in the vision I saw that Jesus was walking next to me and he was crying even more than me – he called me by My name, my Korean name and he said “I was with you. I never abandoned you. I love you. I love you.. How much do I love you?” and then he opened his hands out wide to show that he died on the cross for me.
From that day I wanted to share how great God’s love was to everyone!! But I was especially interested in sharing it with teenagers who had come from broken families like mine. I wanted to tell them “ God loves you, Don’t give up your life.” After high school, I studied theology and became a pastor, My passion was to sing for God. “O Jesus, I sing for for all that you’ve done for me” (This Is Amazing Grace). I started making music with a contemporary Christian music company but became very busy working for the church, preaching, teaching the bible and caring for church members. I was working 7 days 24 hours. I also had some problems with my voice, so I could not continue following the first passion God gave me. I was praying and leading the church in prayer for 3 hours every day. I became very tired working at church, also I had many painful struggles with my husband cheating and lying to me. So I needed rest. But that church told me to do more ministry. So that confused everything even more. One time a pastor used my weaknesses to keep me under his authority and follow his order. That church was a lot like army. They would not let me rest. It has been difficult to see myself through God’s lens. Things are much brighter then but it is a battle to not see things through the lens other people see me through: I am sometimes afraid they will only see my divorce and only my weakness.
Sometimes we all go through hard time. We can’t see things through God’s lens. We can’t see he is always there with us. But When we see through God’s lens then we can hold others hands and remind each other. This is the Christian pattern, the shape of the church: encouraging one another. For example, if I did not come to this church and meet your church members, I might not have gotten help from God. I believe that.
God gave us church. God gave us church member. We are the church. We can help or encourage one another. But sometimes our weakness, or our struggle or our hard times make us not able to see through God’s lens. Those times are a chance to take hold of each other’s hands to raise each other up. When we go through hard times, it’s a good time because we get the chance to show and share God’s love. My life is weakness. It is totally terrible. But if it’s God’s purpose. than I am happy to share this hard life. It is small, but if it encourages just one person. It is enough. My weakness purpose for only his glory. To glorify God from my weakness.
Thank you for this opportunity to share. Especially I thank my friend Bec Faggion, without her i couldn’t write this testimony, so I thank Bec she be the church to me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for you be the church to everyone. Thank God.”